The Tito I Never Met

Roughly 22 years ago, my father's family had their first death experience.

My Nanay Cena, (my Lola) untimely lost her third son, Tito Boboy. He was bound to Cebu when he had a heart attack. He was just on his early 20s and he died on board a ship - away from his family. But it happened when my twin sister and I was four months closer to our first birthday. So to speak, I never really had any memory of Tito Boboy and the whole ordeal.

I grew up looking at his pictures wondering why I haven't met him. I remember how my Lola would tell us then that he joined our Creator long before we learned how to walk and talk and close and open our hands. How could a 5 year old ever understand the meaning of death and dying? Years then passed by a blur and his pictures on my Lola's walls passed by my eyes and mind in a blur too. Every now and then, one family member would mention their brother and I would listen nonchalantly to their stories of the Tito I never met. Every year, my Lola would offer a mass on his death anniversary and prepare something special to eat over dinner - something we have all grown accustomed to over the years. Even though my Lola always offered him prayers every night when we used to pray the Holy Rosary together, it never really occurred to me to pay closer attention to him. After all, my life story pretty much started without him already.

Today, out of the blue, as my family and I were on the road to our province, my mother talked about the last few years they all had with Tito Boboy. How he used to stay over night in Dipolog before going home in the province after every school year; how he used to accompany his brother's father-in-law in the tennis court; how he used to give hints to Mama that he's hungry so that she'll ask him to buy snacks for them; how he used to be the only son who don't talk back to Nanay; how he used to be the quiet one among his siblings.

All that, I gathered today and I thought of how little I know of my Tito Boboy. I didn't say anything, I just listened to my mother and Tita exchanging memories of him and I realized that even though I haven't met him, that I don't remember anything about him at all, there is this special place in my heart I have kept for him all these years. All those stories I have heard about him when I was growing up; some forgotten, some aren't, had developed this old familiar feeling similar to a child's favorite blanket he or she used to can't sleep without. Yes, he may not have cuddled me as a baby, he may not have looked after me when I needed looking after, or offered me a hand when I tripped on my feet learning how to walk;and yes he may seem to be a complete stranger to me, it won't change what I now know - that I will always love him dearly.

It's sad that it took me twenty years to realize all these but as I am still putting all these into writing at five in the morning, having no sleep since seven am yesterday, my heart is overjoyed to have realized all these things about my family. How my Lola and the rest of the family shared with me pieces of the Tito I wish I have met; instilling in me the value of unconditional love and strong family ties fill me with so much pride that I belong to a family as loving as my own.

Tito Boboy may have passed away many years ago but his memory will always be a part of this family.

My family.

This is my tribute to the Tito I never met.

On failing and passing

The first time I took the NLE, I did not make it.

Why? I don't really  know for sure. I remember staying up the entire night after the results went out; I did not cry nor did I pity myself. All I did was talk to my boyfriend, telling him everything that went through my head that time - there were important things too but most of them were nonsense. The same nonsense I see when I looked at the results with my name not on it. See, for me, it didn't make sense because I studied for it and I prepared myself before the big day. But still, the results of the July 2010 NLE  slapped me hard right at my face! In my face!

But did I mope? No. I gathered my broken spirit together and gave it another shot. And finally, I passed the December 2010 NLE . Thank you very much.

Now I ask myself, what did I do different? My study habit is the same for as long as I can remember.

As realization dawned on me, I couldn't help feeling so foolish not to realize soon enough that this whole experience is God's way of reminding me of His presence in my life. Sad to say, I kind of forgot about that part.

Before I took the July 2010 NLE, there was a massive flood of emotions and dramas I had to face but did not. Apparently, by not facing those, I got myself drowned in the emotional catastrophe and have forgotten to call for His help.


It took me one big failure to realize all these. Funny and frustrating for me, but I guess that's just how most of us choose to learn - the hard way.

Breathe in, breathe out. I never actually had my heart broken like this before. Literally, my hands are numb and I can't stop trying to smile just to stop the tears threatening to spill.

How can someone I trust so much betray me? Even the most minute form of betrayal is, well, betrayal. Thinking about it, I may have some faults too. But deep down, I know in my heart where it belongs to. 

The Art Of Letting Go

I have come to the realization today that I should rid myself of all the past hurts, disappointments, and insecurities I have been keeping in my heart if I want to go on with my life with a healthy heart and happy disposition.

Las night, I was up late because I keep on going over and over in my head these silly thoughts I've been having for the last couple of weeks. I know for a fact that these silly thoughts are irrational and I should really put an end to these before i lose grip on myself.

That is why I declare from this day forward, I am throwing away all the doubts that will ever come to shadow all the positivity that I have.

This is my art of letting go.

Just how am I suppose to do that?

Like every other young girls struggling to figure life out, I have loved and lost along the way.

In my average existence, I pretty much found myself falling in love a lot of times in the past but there was only one time when it actually took a swing into the real thing.

He was my great love...and at the same time, he's also the one who got away.. or in my case, I pushed him away.

Why?

I have my reasons and he may hate me all his life for that but I just couldn't keep a relationship which most of the other people who matters to me are telling me against it. You can say I'm a coward; that I don't have a backbone to fight for the one I love but come to think of it..would you defy all reasons and your family just for that somebody?

THAT'S JUST IN THE MOVIES.

In real life, You can't.

And well, I can't. But believe me when I say, I tried. For three years, I tried. It may not be enough for some but I grew tired. I couldn't get past the challenges that that kind of life threw at me. I may be weak and selfish for what I did but I want peace and harmony in my life.

As far as moving on goes, I am now happy with my new love and life. I'm not sure if it's going to be great but one thing is for sure, I know I'm having this for keeps. :)

my thoughts on LDRs

Long distance relationship has taught me so much in love and life. Even with its inconvenience, i have come to an agreement with myself that it is the kind of relationship that works best for me.

Ever since my first ever in high school up to my present one, my relationships all fall on this category.

As i recall, it was hard..it is hard but then, i've come to live with it all these years and as observed, most people i know belong to this kind of set-up nowadays.

It's frustrating having to live on text messages, voice calls, instant messages and pictures posted on online social networks however, these things taught me the value of patience, faith, and compromise. And i can proudly say that putting up with LDRs helped me so much in my emotional maturation and stability.

I have seen a lot of people drifting apart with their friends the moment they meet the love of their lives; worst dropping some in the process of creating a world of their own wherein no one, other than themselves can be a part of. It's exciting for some time and i salute those few who still stick with each other even when the time comes that the excitement wears off.

But mostly(as observed), people get tired of that selfish world. They yearn for the company of their friends and begin to blame the other person who was once the apple of their eyes for keeping them prisoner in a world they two have actually built together.

I could have been one of those people. But then, my relationships didn't permit me to always be with my special someone thus, giving me time to be with my friends and enjoy my youth...saving me from that dreadful dead-end.

Yes, it's hard to maintain but it is rewarding after all.

taking control

I've been thinking... the best way to exemplify taking control is by driving.

you take the wheel and when you want to go to the right, you just turn the wheel towards the right and there you g0 - the right way.

if only life could be just that simple, i wouldn't have these headaches and heartaches. but then again, it would lose its value. so i guess i'll just have to stop complaining and take life as it is.

meantime, i think i should start learning how to drive to make up for the fact that i can't take control of every thing that goes on with my life, especially the people around me.